Moving through the stages of grief.

Everyday someone asks me how I'm doing, for the most part I just smile and shrug my shoulders.  It's been 4 weeks today since my dad died.  The pain in my heart has gone from being a sharp searing pain to more like a dull ache.  I picked up my dad's ashes last Tuesday and that was tough.  By Thursday I was finally ready to look at the death certificate and found something that surprised me.  The cause of death was listed as "end stage senile dementia".  He didn't have Alzheimer's so I did some research.  I found this article about how the brain behaves after a stroke, or with dementia or Alzheimer's.  It basically outlined what we've been through the last year.  I wish one of his doctors had shared this with us before I think it would have been helpful.  I have to remind myself that I was very lucky, my dad never got to the point where he didn't know me and he never lost his speech.  And as much as I miss him I know it's better that he's not trapped in his body any more. 

Below are the 5 stages of grief, it's something everyone deals with differently...

How Do We React to Grief and Loss?

There are specific stages of grief. They reflect common reactions people have as they try to make sense of a loss. An important part of the healing process is feeling and accepting the emotions that come as a result of the loss.

Here are the common stages of grief that people go through:

• Denial, numbness, and shock: Numbness is a normal reaction to a death or loss and should never be confused with "not caring." This stage of grief helps protect us from experiencing the intensity of the loss. It can be useful when we have to take some action, such as planning a funeral, notifying relatives, or reviewing important papers. As we move through the experience and slowly acknowledges its impact, the initial denial and disbelief fades.

• Bargaining: This stage of grief may be marked by persistent thoughts about what "could have been done" to prevent the death or loss. Some people become obsessed with thinking about specific ways things could have been done differently to save the person's life or prevent the loss. If this stage of grief isn't dealt with and resolved, the person may live with intense feelings of guilt or anger that can interfere with the healing process.

• Depression: In this stage, we begin to realize and feel the true extent of the death or loss. Common signs of depression in this stage include trouble sleeping, poor appetite, fatigue, lack of energy, and crying spells. We may also have self-pity and feel lonely, isolated, empty, lost, and anxious.

• Anger: This stage is common. It usually happens when we feel helpless and powerless. Anger can stem from a feeling of abandonment because of a death or loss. Sometimes we're angry at a higher power, at the doctors who cared for a lost loved one, or toward life in general.

• Acceptance: In time, we can come to terms with all the emotions and feelings we experienced when the death or loss happened. Healing can begin once the loss becomes integrated into our set of life experiences.

Throughout our lives, we may return to some of the earlier stages of grief, such as depression or anger. Because there are no rules or time limit to the grieving process, everyone's healing process is different. 

Carrot, Egg or Coffee Bean?

I saw this the other day and loved it, so I thought I'd share it with all of you....enjoy.



Carrot, Egg or Coffee Bean?



You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water -- but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you changed by your surroundings or do you bring life, flavor, to them?

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?

~ Author Unknown ~

Faces of Grief

Yesterday I had the opportunity to go to a women's conference, the title was "Faces of Grief". Our culture teaches us that grief is primarily losing a loved one. While, that is absolutely grief so are so many other losses. Loss of a job, pet, house, health, losing friends to moving. What about the loss of a dream or the dream for your child?

If I'm honest, I've had a ton of loss to grieve the past couple of years. Mostly though I haven't grieved, I've just moved on, or so I think. I know it sometimes pops when I least expect it. I can become so easily angered or emotional and when I dig deeper, it's usually not about what's right in front of me. What I got out of yesterday is that your pain matters and it matters to God. However small or large and that it's important to give ourselves room to grieve, otherwise we might not be able to move on.


At my place setting was a bookmark with this on it:

Isaiah 43:2

You will pass through deep waters (of grief)
But I will be with you.
You will pass through the rivers (of sorrow)
But their waters will not sweep over you.
You will walk through fire (of heartache)
But you will not be burned.
The flames will not harm you.


I'm hoping to get to the beach this week, I need some beauty in my life. I hope you have a beauty filled week.

Sad Girl Days...

There are those days when you're just sad.  Today is one of them.  Life on planet earth can be brutal at times.  Sickness, disease, poverty, death, aging and abuse, sometimes it's all too much to bear.  


As best as I can, I "accept the things I cannot change".  I accept that I'm at the point in my life where I'm going to lose people.  My grandparents are all gone, my husband's father and step-father are both gone,  two of my uncles are gone, I lost a dear aunt 12 years ago....I have a few friends that are widows.  And yet it doesn't get any less hard.  The only comfort I have, Sara Groves sums up well...."I know to be absent from this body is to be present with the Lord, and from what I know of him, that must be pretty good."


I'm going to need large doses of beauty, thankfully tonights sunset was stunning.

I hope you're finding beauty as well.

Ciao.