Moving through the stages of grief.

Everyday someone asks me how I'm doing, for the most part I just smile and shrug my shoulders.  It's been 4 weeks today since my dad died.  The pain in my heart has gone from being a sharp searing pain to more like a dull ache.  I picked up my dad's ashes last Tuesday and that was tough.  By Thursday I was finally ready to look at the death certificate and found something that surprised me.  The cause of death was listed as "end stage senile dementia".  He didn't have Alzheimer's so I did some research.  I found this article about how the brain behaves after a stroke, or with dementia or Alzheimer's.  It basically outlined what we've been through the last year.  I wish one of his doctors had shared this with us before I think it would have been helpful.  I have to remind myself that I was very lucky, my dad never got to the point where he didn't know me and he never lost his speech.  And as much as I miss him I know it's better that he's not trapped in his body any more. 

Below are the 5 stages of grief, it's something everyone deals with differently...

How Do We React to Grief and Loss?

There are specific stages of grief. They reflect common reactions people have as they try to make sense of a loss. An important part of the healing process is feeling and accepting the emotions that come as a result of the loss.

Here are the common stages of grief that people go through:

• Denial, numbness, and shock: Numbness is a normal reaction to a death or loss and should never be confused with "not caring." This stage of grief helps protect us from experiencing the intensity of the loss. It can be useful when we have to take some action, such as planning a funeral, notifying relatives, or reviewing important papers. As we move through the experience and slowly acknowledges its impact, the initial denial and disbelief fades.

• Bargaining: This stage of grief may be marked by persistent thoughts about what "could have been done" to prevent the death or loss. Some people become obsessed with thinking about specific ways things could have been done differently to save the person's life or prevent the loss. If this stage of grief isn't dealt with and resolved, the person may live with intense feelings of guilt or anger that can interfere with the healing process.

• Depression: In this stage, we begin to realize and feel the true extent of the death or loss. Common signs of depression in this stage include trouble sleeping, poor appetite, fatigue, lack of energy, and crying spells. We may also have self-pity and feel lonely, isolated, empty, lost, and anxious.

• Anger: This stage is common. It usually happens when we feel helpless and powerless. Anger can stem from a feeling of abandonment because of a death or loss. Sometimes we're angry at a higher power, at the doctors who cared for a lost loved one, or toward life in general.

• Acceptance: In time, we can come to terms with all the emotions and feelings we experienced when the death or loss happened. Healing can begin once the loss becomes integrated into our set of life experiences.

Throughout our lives, we may return to some of the earlier stages of grief, such as depression or anger. Because there are no rules or time limit to the grieving process, everyone's healing process is different. 

First loves, dignity, and feeling like your head is under water...

It's said that every girls first love is their dad.  For me that's 100% true.  My dad has been the one person that believed in me unconditionally.  He always told me I could do anything and that I could change the world.  (I haven't changed the world yet, but I'm sure one of my kids will).

Even though this song is written about a significant other I can relate it to my dad.... like the song I was his muse and were each others end and beginning.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mk7-GRWq7wA

 The greatest thing about my dad is that he taught me to think for myself.  That's not popular in parenting because most people want to raise clones of themselves....not Jim and not me.  One of my greatest accomplishments is that I've taught my kids to think for themselves, my dad's legacy will live on :)

Jim, wrote an Astrology column, weekly, literally until the end.  He was writing his column when the stroke happened.  When I first got to Las Vegas we had every hope of a full recovery.  I stayed for 5 days but 30 minutes after I got home the hospital called and he'd had another stroke, this one at the brain stem.  Most days he's lucid and oriented, other's not so much.  I moved him to Corona in June so we could be closer, going back and forth to Vegas was difficult and expensive.  Unfortunately, he's been in the hospital or a nursing home since April 28th.

There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't ask if he can go home with me.  At this point there is no way because Medicare/Medical won't cover someone from hospice being here 24/7.  I'm so frustrated with our health care system! It needs a serious over-haul. I think he deserves the dignity of being home and letting go of this life the way he wants to, as heart-breaking as that is for me.

 

First Love

On Wednesday night's, I'm going to a Beth Moore (via video) Bible study called 'Beloved Disciple'.  It's a study based on the life of the Apostle John.  Last night at the end of the video Beth was talking about how at the end of his life the elderly man preached almost exclusively about love.

In Revelation 2, John writes to the church in Ephesus, and in verse 4-5 says this:  "4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. 5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.".  Again, I am no Bible scholar but I know Beth Moore has done her homework and I wanted to share this with you.  According to Beth the word forsaken in the Greek is the same word as forgive in Matthew 6:12  "And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors."  I, for one, found this very interesting.  The word in both places is afihmi, which means “to let go of or release".  She went on to make the point that if you are holding on to unforgiveness you don't have any room for love.  I don't know about you, but I think that's true.

I once heard that unforgiveness is a prison and the prisoner is you.  I've worked hard in my life to forgive people that have hurt me and move on but it's not always easy.  I think it might be easier if we knew on the other side we'd have more room to love, at least that's what I'm hoping.  So, I'm asking myself these questions "what am I holding onto?  Am I holding onto my First Love (Christ) or am I holding onto unforgiveness?"

I want to love more, I want to be someone known for showing the love of Christ.  Today (Valentine's Day) of all days is about love....so here's hoping that today finds you showered with love, the love of Christ and the love of those around you.

Until next time.

Ciao.

Power, Love, and a Sound Mind

I've been pondering this post for a couple of weeks and am just now having the time to sit down and put my thoughts together.  I, unfortunately live with a tremendous amount of anxiety.  I'm sure that is a result of growing up in an unstable environment, children count on their parents for their safety and security and sadly I grew up in a lot of choas instead. 

A couple of weeks ago some good friends of mine were praying for me and I heard the verse "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."  None of us could remember exactly where it was so we did what we all do these days, we Googled it, it's found in 2 Timothy 1:7.  

After reading a couple of different translations we were fascinated.  The words "sound mind" are also self-discipline, self-control, discipline, sound judgment, instruction, good judgment, sobriety, wise discretion, all translated from the Greek word "sōphronismos".  I'm clearly not a Bible scholar but I thought this was so interesting. 

I want more peace and more joy this year and a whole lot less anxiety.  I know when my mind gets busy, my anxiety increases, so I'm trying to remember this verse and all the words for "sound mind". 

Just my thoughts on this first Friday of January 2013.  I'd love to hear what you think. 

Have a beauty-filled day.

Ciao.

Live like a dog....

Our dog Sunnie died on September 9th.  He'd been going down hill the past couple of months so it was expected but still sad.  He was a hyper but beautiful pure bred Pomeranian....and lived with us for almost all of his 15 years.  We got him when he was 10 weeks old because I'd been reading  'The puppy who wanted a Boy' to my son who at the time was a year and a half.   I decided that every little boy needed a puppy.  I may have rethought things if I'd known I'd be having a puppy and a baby at the same time, then again maybe not.  Some of my fondest memories of Sunnie are when he was a puppy and I was pregnant with Mackenzie.   He hardly ever left my side, where I was, he was.  If I was laying down, he was at my feet.  I had Mackenzie laying in the sun next to our bedroom sliding glass door and there he appeared to take peak at her from under the bed/dust ruffle.

Growing up the only pets we had were outside dogs, so having an inside dog was all new to me....now I can't imagine not having one.  Two years ago my son found a Yorkie (Sadie) in the middle of the street, after looking for a few days for lost dog signs and not finding any I decided to keep her.  Last year at almost 14 years old, Sunnie became a father, we kept one of the puppies and gave the other two away.  I'm so glad now, Simba has a completely different temperament but he's a great dog.  I've never really thought of myself as a dog person until now.  Sunnie was more my husband and son's dog, but Sadie is definitely my dog and Christian say's when he's grown and moves out, he's taking Simba with him....we'll see about that.

A friend sent me the sweetest email last week and it was a story of a six year old whose dog had died and he explained the reason that dogs don't live as long as humans.  He said "people are born so that they can learn how to live a good life--like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?"  He continued, saying "well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long".  Sounds like a pretty good explanation to me.  I've definitely been sad and maybe a little depressed...grief sometimes sneaks up on you.

Here's the poem that was in the end of the story about the dog:


Live simply.
Love generously.
Care deeply.
Speak kindly.
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

Until next time....ciao.

You'll know them by their love...

The other day, I was listening to a sermon on the radio and the pastor was preaching on John 13:35  "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."  The pastor was saying that as Christian's most people aren't known for their love but what they're against.  Like being against abortion, Islam, or gay marriage.  This has always bothered me and a pastor/friend of mine once said something that was paradigm shifting for me.  He said, "if Jesus were here today he'd be hanging out with the prostitutes, abortion doctors, drug dealers and the gays".  Jesus hung out with the prostitutes, the tax collectors, sinners, and the lepers.  And yet, we as Christians typically have contempt for the prostitutes, abortion doctors, drug dealers, and the gay community. According to what I see in scripture, most Christian's have the wrong attitude.

The support Chick Fil A day last week really bothered me, not because I don't believe in traditional marriage or freedom of speech because I absolutely do, what bothered me was it became about hating gay people.  What about love?  What I see in scripture is that love never fails and kindness leads to repentance.  My daughter is a lesbian.  There I said it.  I love her unconditionally and accept her.  In regard to the Chick Fil A day this is what she posted on Facebook "To all the Christians blowing up my newsfeed about gay marriage and freedom of speech: why didn't you take your money and buy groceries for a homeless person? Pretty sure that's what Jesus would have done anyways".  That's how I feel as well and again not because I'm against Chick Fil A, traditional marriage, or freedom of speech.  If I read scripture correctly, what I see is that the only people Jesus was against was the self righteous religious rulers.  I see Jesus taking care of the lost, hanging out with the sinners, healing the sick. He said to do the same thing.  (I think there are something like 300 verses about caring for the poor/least of these, Jesus was deeply concerned about social justice.)

I don't often post about my walk with God or my faith....it's been a difficult journey the past year or so.  If I've said something to offend you that is not my intention, so I invite you into a conversation with me about it.  I see Jesus being about relationship, with His father and others, and I want the same thing.  I want to be about love, peace, patience, kindness, and of course beauty.

Until next time.

Ciao

St. Patrick's Breastplate

In honor of St. Patrick's day I thought I post St. Patrick's Breastplate.  Enjoy your day!

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness
Of the Creator of creation.
I arise today
Through the strength of Christ’s birth with his baptism,
Through the strength of his crucifixion with his burial,
Through the strength of his resurrection with his ascension,
Through the strength of his descent for the judgment of Doom.
I arise today
Through the strength of the love of Cherubim,
In obedience of angels,
In the service of archangels,
In hope of resurrection to meet with reward,
In prayers of patriarchs,
In predictions of prophets,
In preaching of apostles,
In faith of confessors,
In innocence of holy virgins,
In deeds of righteous men.
I arise today
Through God’s strength to pilot me:
God’s might to uphold me,
God’s wisdom to guide me,
God’s eye to look before me,
God’s ear to hear me,
God’s word to speak for me,
God’s hand to guard me,
God’s way to lie before me,
God’s shield to protect me,
God’s host to save me
From snares of devils,
From temptations of vices,
From everyone who shall wish me ill,
Afar and anear,
Alone and in multitude.
I summon today all these powers between me and those evils,
Against every cruel merciless power that may oppose my body and soul,
Against incantations of false prophets,
Against black laws of pagandom,
Against false laws of heretics,
Against craft of idolatry,
Against spells of witches and smiths and wizards,
Against every knowledge that corrupts man’s body and soul.
Christ to shield me today
Against poison, against burning,
Against drowning, against wounding,
So that there may come to me abundance of reward.
Christ with me, Christ before me, Christ behind me,
Christ in me, Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ on my right, Christ on my left,
Christ when I lie down, Christ when I sit down, Christ when I arise,
Christ in the heart of every man who thinks of me,
Christ in the mouth of everyone who speaks of me,
Christ in every eye that sees me,
Christ in every ear that hears me.
I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of the Trinity,
Through belief in the threeness,
Through confession of the oneness,
Of the Creator of Creation.

Ten Ways to Love

I saw this on someone else’s blog and it was too good to not repost. Happy last day of January!

Until next time.

Ciao!

Ten Ways to Love

1. Listen without interrupting. (Proverbs 18)

2. Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)

3. Give without sparing. (Proverbs 21:26)

4. Pray without ceasing. (Colossians 1:9)

5. Answer without arguing. (Proverbs 17:1)

6. Share without pretending. (Ephesians 4:15)

7. Enjoy without complaint. (Philippians 2:14)

8. Trust without wavering. (Corinthians 13:7)

9. Forgive without punishing. (Colossians 3:13)

10. Promise without forgetting. (Proverbs 13:12)

The most, the best, the greatest

I am fascinated by Mother Teresa. I'm not Catholic but I have great respect for the Catholics and every now and then I enjoy attending Mass.  Something that always rubs me the wrong way is when people say they aren't Christians (I can't stand that kind of division of the Body of Christ but that's a post for another day.)  With social justice, sometimes I want to laugh when someone will tell me about something "new" that's being done.   Don't get me wrong social justice is a great thing and if I didn't have kids at home I'd probably be out doing something about human trafficking.  What I want to say is "Ever heard of the Catholic church or Mother Teresa?"

Anyway, today I stumbled upon this and thought it was beautiful, and I'm always looking for something filled with beauty to inspire me.

Until next time....Ciao.

The most beautiful day: Today
The easiest thing: Equivocate
The biggest obstacle: Fear
The gravest error: give up, to despair
The root of all evils: Egoism
The most beautiful occupation: Work
The worst route to follow: Faintheartedness
The best teachers: Children
The first necessity: TO communicate
The greatest happiness: To be useful to others
The greatest mystery: Death
The worst defect: Bad temper
The most dangerous being: The liar
The most wretched feeling: The grudge
The most beautiful gift: Forgiveness
The most indispensable: home
The quickest way: The correct one
The most comfortable feeling: Interior peace
The most powerful weapon: The smile
The best remedy: Optimism
The greatest satisfaction: The duty done
The most powerful force: Faith
The most needed beings: The parents
The most beautiful of all: Love


Mother Teresa

The Golden Box

Some time ago a man punished his 5-year-old daughter for wasting
a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and
he became even more upset when the child pasted the gold paper
so as to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her father
the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy."
The father was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his
anger flared again when he found the box was empty.

He spoke to her in a harsh manner, "Don't you know, young lady,
when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something
inside the package?"

The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and
said, "Oh, Daddy, it's not empty. I blew kisses into it until
it was full."

The father was crushed.

He fell on his knees and put his arms around his little girl,
and he begged her to forgive him for his unnecessary anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later
and it is told that the father kept that gold box by his bed for
all the years of his life. And whenever he was discouraged or
faced difficult problems he would open the box and take out an
imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it
there.

In a very real sense, each of us as human beings has been given
a golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our
children, family, friends and God. There is no more precious
possession anyone could hold.

~Author Unknown~

A strong woman

My favorite MLK quotes

Here in the U.S. today is Martin Luther King Jr day.  A day where we recognize a man whose life's mission was for equal rights for all.  Here are some of my favorite quotes by him....


"Yet, in spite of these spectacular strides in science and technology, and still unlimited ones to come, something basic is missing. There is a sort of poverty of the spirit which stands in glaring contrast to our scientific and technological abundance. The richer we have become materially, the poorer we have become morally and spiritually. We have learned to fly the air like birds and swim the sea like fish, but we have not learned the simple art of living together as brothers."


"I have decided to stick with love...hate is too great a burden to bear."


"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."


"Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon which cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it. It is a sword that heals."


"The time is always right, to do what is right."


"If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live."


‎"Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend."


There is so much beauty in Martin Luther King Jr's words, I hope that you seek and find it.


Ciao

Love is...

I woke up thinking about the passage in 1 Corinthians 13...


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (NIV)


Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. t does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (NLT)


Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn't want what it doesn't have. Love doesn't strut, Doesn't have a swelled head, Doesn't force itself on others, Isn't always "me first," Doesn't fly off the handle, Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,Doesn't revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies. (The Message)


I'm challenged this morning because I don't feel very loving, nor do my relationships. Thankfully I'm a work in progress and so are the people in my life.

I desperately need to find some beauty today, I need room for my soul. I hope you find some too.

Ciao.

A Story of Three Men

A woman came out of her house and saw three old men with long
white beards sitting in her front yard.

She did not recognize them.

She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry.
Please come in and have something to eat."

"Is the man of the house home?" they asked.

"No," she replied. "He's out."

"Then we cannot come in," they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had
happened.

"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"

The woman went out and invited the men in.

"We do not go into a house together," they replied.

"Why is that?" she asked.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said
pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another
one, "He is Success, and I am Love."

Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which
one of us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said.
Her husband was overjoyed. "How nice!" he said.
"Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth. Let him come and
fill our home with wealth!"

His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?"

Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the
house.

She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better
to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!"

"Let us heed our daughter-in-law's advice," said the husband to
his wife.

"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."

The woman went out and asked the three old men,
"Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."

Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other two
also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth
and Success: "I only invited Love, why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or
Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you
invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him.

Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!

~Author Unknown~

I hope your week is filled with beauty.

Ciao.

Fairy tales take work

I met my husband 20 years ago in January. A fairy tale in the making. I lived in Southern California, he lived in New Jersey and we met in the Caribbean. Who would have thought! The way it all happened reminds me of the saying "sometimes in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a Fairy Tale". Fourteen months later we were married. We thought we were doing everything right. We almost didn't make it through year 13. We've been to the edge of divorce and thankfully, with good counseling, (thank you Mike & Marla Maynard) and learning what the Word of God had to say about marriage (we had no clue), we made it. *Whew* I'd say we're happier now than ever. This month we celebrate our 19th anniversary. We're working our way to happily ever after.

What we've learned is that marriage can be love and war. I just finished reading the book by the same title (Love & War) by John and Stasi Eldredge. It's their best book yet, in my opinion. Certainly the most relevant, because anyone who is married, knows this isn't for the faint of heart. So grab a copy and let me know what you think.

I pray you have a beauty-filled week.

Ciao

Sometimes you have to offend the mind to expose the heart

This is probably a little out of character for me but I thought I'd share with you some of my inner ramblings. I'm a little tired of people talking about community. Don't get me wrong, I strongly believe in community but what I'm tired of is the hypocrisy. I hear things like "let's be the church for the world" and "we're all in this together, shoulder to shoulder". Or my favorite, "I've got your back".

In reality what I see right now is most people fending for themselves. In this economy I see people hoarding instead of living open handedly. How can we ever "be the church for the world" if we can't be the church for our neighbor? I'm pretty sure Jesus meant it when he said "love your neighbor as yourself."

In my opinion, there will never be revival in America because of this attitude. It takes a natural disaster or something like 9/11 for American's to wake up and not be so selfish, independent and entitled. I mean really, look at what's going on in Haiti right now. The world comes together when there's an earthquake, but not when we have 10 million people unemployed.

Silence is a lousy communicator. I have a friend whose father recently died, and most people she knows have said nothing..."Not how ya doin?," "how can I help?"... nothing. It used to be that people would show up at your door-step with food or flowers, just to say "I'm sorry for your loss" or "can I sit with you while you grieve?" Not anymore.

I'm sure I sound judgmental. Hopefully this comes across as less than an accusation, and more of an observation. I'm the first to admit that I'm a little self-righteous in all this because I have done the hard thing. We lived in community with another family for over a year, and it was hard. We had our moments of good, bad and sometimes ugly. We can laugh about it now, mostly.


Sara Groves has a song called Every Minute, here's part of the lyrics:

And I can think of time when families all lived together • Four generations in one house • And the table was full of good food • And friends and neighbors • That's not how we like it now • Cause if you sit at home you're a loser • Couldn't you find anything better to do •

(she sings that as sort of a question, and the answer is this...)

• Well no I couldn't think of one thing • I would rather waste my time on than sitting here with you •

I'd like to challenge us to do the hard thing, to reach out when you don't have the energy. Forgive when you don't feel like it. Choose love, choose community. Maybe doing the hard thing is asking for help when you're in need. So ask.

Mother Teresa said "Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work."

Thanks for reading my ramblings/rant.

Have a beauty-filled day.

Ciao.