Sunday, March 11, 2012

Sixth Grade Research

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in

hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of

the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made

unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.

Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them

we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is

a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving

people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose

of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic


6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled

biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of

Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he

was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee,


8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by

Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a

success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all

shouted “hurrah.”

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.

Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.

Another important invention was the circulation of blood.

Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented

cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised

the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William

Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his

birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because

of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies,

all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet is an example of a

heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel

Cervantes. He wrote “Donkey Hote.” The next great author was

John Milton. Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife died

and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented

Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin

were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.

Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards

and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”

Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent.

Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin

which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the

slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night

of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in

his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.

They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly

insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had

a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old

spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to

the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and

so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half

English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so

deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even

when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827

and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts

and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started

reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a

network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the

McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was

a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie

discovered radio.

And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.